It's Been Awhile - Again

I have thought at least 200 times in the past few months that I wanted to get on here and make a post. To jump right in, things have been difficult for us, and there have been many times that I have not been thankful. I have struggled to find the things in each day that are blessings, but am quick to take note of the negativity around me. I hate that about my heart...

Life has changed so much in the past 5 months, and sometimes I struggle to be okay with it. Other times, I embrace it and am excited about this new stage in our lives. It is strange to think that a year and a half ago, we were praying that God would give us a little one, and then when He did, we were thinking, 'just kidding, Lord, I don't think we were ready'. It is the difficult moments that I find it the hardest to reflect on God's providence. Over the past few weeks, I have found myself saying out loud that God is still seated on the throne, that God is not caught off guard by my circumstances. These things are so important to say - speaking truth at the heart of lies I swallow whole (as some would say, 'hook, line, and sinker').

At all times, there is so much to be thankful for:

155. I am thankful for being able to take Graham with us more easily now - life seems to be getting 'back to normal' even if it means we are home earlier each evening

156. I am thankful for finding a formula that Graham could use - it has made a world of difference for us all

157. I am thankful that we got to spend some great quality time with my family last weekend, and that Graham did so well in the car and in an unfamiliar environment

158. I am thankful for access to medical care

159. This may sound dumb, but I am very thankful for my computer and my cell phone - such conveniences

160. I am thankful we get to take an overnight trip to Richmond soon as a family

161. I am thankful that school is on Spring Break next week and I will be 'off' for most of the week

162. I am so thankful for beautiful weather and the onset of Spring

163. I am thankful that Easter is this weekend and for everything it means to us

The Importance of Being Thankful

So, things have been a little hectic lately, to say the least. We have really struggled with our boy, who has acid reflux, and colic and will scream for hours on end some days. It is hard to trust that he is a heritage from the Lord, and a blessing in our lives during these times, and it becomes an emotional battle in my mind when he is so upset. I can tell myself that he is in pain, that he is a baby and doesn't know how to communicate, and that things will get better in time - but in these difficult moments, it is hard to internalize those things. It is so funny and ironic, because I work with children throughout the week and we try to prepare them for emotionally difficult situations by teaching them coping skills to help them handle their anger and other extreme emotions. I admit that sometimes it frustrates me when they get angry or upset and even though we just talked about what they should do, they do the opposite. I do the very same thing! I can be logical and think through what is going on with our son, 'get to a better place' emotionally so to say, take deep breaths, take breaks, weigh the severity of the situation, ask for help, and talk about what I am feeling, but then in the moment, all I can do is cry or get angry... I have so very much to learn. When I am especially stressed or upset, Alisha will ask me what I am thankful for... I feel myself tensing up, and a voice cries out from inside me, "NOTHING". Sometimes I come back with a sarcastic response. Instead, I should start listing the countless blessings we have and ways that God provides for us.

133. I am thankful for a good night's sleep.

134. I am thankful for a date night with my wife.

135. I am thankful that when my son looks up at me, he frequently smiles at his daddy.

136. I am thankful for colleagues and friends who listen when I need to talk about how I am feeling.

137. I am thankful for a wife who will ask me what I am thankful for.

138. I am thankful for days when Graham is not in pain.

139. I am thankful for a budget which helps us plan and not be caught off guard by our finances.

140. I am thankful for holidays with family.

141. I am thankful that Graham did so well in the car on the way to visit his grandparents.

142. I am thankful for my sister coming to help us for the weekend.

143. I am thankful for the kindness and encouragement of others.

144. I am thankful for hot water - this morning as I was washing my hands, I literally was saying out loud, "why isn't this hot, come one already, be hot". Something grabbed my attention, and I thought at least I have running water in my house and at least I do have hot water, regardless of how long it takes to warm up from the tap.

145. I am thankful for the ability to receive chiropractic care for me and my family - Graham is actually going as well and it is supposed to help with reflux.

146. I am thankful for pictures, to look back and reflect on the past, and how much has changed with time.

147. I am thankful for a steady and structured job!

148. I am thankful for the healthy delivery of our friends' baby boy - soon to be one of Graham's bestest friends!

149. I am thankful for quiet moments with my wife where we can read Scripture together and talk about it.

150. I am thankful for hearing my wife pray and communicate her deepest feelings openly and candidly.

151. I am thankful for a good cry once in awhile.

152. I am thankful for warm clothes and coats during this winter season.

153. I am thankful for a heated house and lower electric bills this month!

154. I am thankful to have a small group leader who cares so much for his group, puts effort and time into preparing for our discussions, and who sets such a great example for us in his own life.

I am trying to be thankful for this transition, and for the things we are learning through this process, but I'm not sure I can list them yet. I think someday soon I will...

- Jim